My self healing story

I lead an incredibly normal high-achiever good girl life. Had the average middle-class childhood, my full set of parents and a sibling. I graduated with straight A-s from the best high school in my country, afterwards went to study Computer Science and ended up working as a project manager in our most prestigious IT success story. My career was going up, I had my hobbies and volunteer work, my partner, I was a social butterfly with loads of friends always at the centre of the party.

I did everything „right”. So how come I wasn’t feeling right? I couldn’t figure out why were so many things so much harder for me than for others. Underneath the facade there was always crippling depression lurking just behind the corner. I was a classical over-achiever: never happy with anything I had accomplished, always wanting more, never allowing myself to rest and just be. And no amount of therapy helped me to nudge my negative self-talk in any direction.

By the end I had been on approximately 9 different combinations of different ADs and moodstabilizers for five years, had tried dozens of different cognitive-behavioral as well as more alternative therapists, only to end my five year collaboration with one of the most well regarded clinics in the country with the clinical psychologist telling me that they don’t think they can help me, I seem to be doing everything right. My prognosis was that depression was just a part of my life and that I would just have to learn how to cope with it and always be on medication. 

It all changed when I discovered working on my subconscious beliefs. I learned what is a belief system and how our subconscious beliefs are like a program defining how we run our lives. How we store all of our memories and our traumas as well as our subconscious beliefs in our body and soul. How we pick up these limiting beliefs too easily from our surroundings as children. How I pretty much only consisted of negative conditioning from my childhood experiences and our mass-media, how I was projecting it onto the world and only got stress and negativity back. How by swapping out these subconscious beliefs can actually change your surroundings without even specifically „doing” much else.

Only a year later I quit my ADs for good knowing for certain that I will never need them again. What would have been the end goal for others was just the beginning of the journey for me. If I could improve above a medical prognosis for a lifetime within just a year, how much more could I change if I continue working on my subconscious beliefs? 

So I continued to learn how to change my subconscious beliefs, how to discover and release old traumas stored in me. I learned how to recognize trauma and how our mainstream definition of it is not enough, how so much of our normalities are in fact traumatizing and not dealing with it is causing us to live stuck in a fight or flight situation, being constantly stressed and worried and unable to enjoy life. I dismantled myself one negative belief and hidden and unrecognized trauma at a time until no rock was unturned, until everything I thought I knew about myself was challenged in one way or the other. Looking back, turns out my entire identity was basically a trauma-response. 

Then I moved on to how to help others do it as well. Because having gone through that utter pain of existence, of life just being a never-ending existential dread and chore, and then seeing what absolute joy, freedom and calm it can be, I couldn't resist the urge to help others around me make the same transformation. I know what it means to let go of everything, even the parts of you and your life that you thought were good and how to build yourself up from scratch